How to Get More Right Swipes From Tinderella

If you’ve been following me on Facebook for a while, then you know I’ve dabbled in online dating quite a bit.

In fact, on my Twitter account (@hooper_FIT), I frequently go off on #LeftSwipe rants about Tinder and how horrible men are at marketing themselves online.

A few of my automatic left swipes:

  • tribal tattoos (what bicep is your tribe in?)
  • wearing a hat in every photo (are you balding?)
  • no full length photos
  • only group photos (it’s a superficial dating app, not a game of Where’s Waldo?)
  • dressing like a toddler (overalls, really?)
  • flipping the bird
  • throwing up “gangsta signs”
  • ab selfies (#douchecanoe)
  • posting pictures of your vehicles
  • posting pictures of cash (congratulations on having a job; it’s called being an adult)

Whether we like it or not, first impressions matter. And when you only have two seconds to capture someone’s attention on an app like Tinder, every image counts. By being aware of the message your pictures send, you can generate more attention from the type of people you want to attract.

For example:

Why in the hell are you posting pictures of your vehicle? Are you a transformer? Is this your way of letting us know you’ll be picking us up for that first date in your snowmobile?

Unless you’re a professional race car driver, most women aren’t going to give a shit about what you drive. If you’re not provocatively posed on the hood of your ’69 Camaro to elicit a cheap laugh, it’s irrelevant. Don’t do it.

In the early stages, we mostly just need you to agree that Jim and Pam of “The Office” is the best romance story of our time. Because if our core values don’t align, then what you drive means nothing and we’ll likely just want you to drive it off a cliff anyway.

Another one I can’t comprehend is why people post what appears to be the same selfie of themselves in the front seat of their car six times. Are you homeless? Do you not have legs? Just get a new haircut? What, exactly, am I supposed to be looking at here because I can’t tell a difference between any of these photos.

And why does it look like you’re taking said selfies with a potato? Is… is that a flip phone?

And fellas, please, for the love of God, stop posting pictures with all of your taller, more attractive friends. That’s just poor marketing. No woman wants to feel like she’s just landed the extra in the romantic comedy. She wants the Matthew McConaughey, not his goofy snaggletoothed sidekick.

If you want to pique someone’s interest online, you have to BE INTERESTING.

Don’t tell me how funny you are in your bio; instead, SAY something funny.

Don’t talk to me about how you like to travel; show me pictures of you snowboarding in the Swiss Alps, sailing in the Virgin Islands, or wrestling alligators in Florida.

If you want to generate more attention from members of the opposite sex, you have to present yourself as someone worth knowing. And no one wants to date a person who leads a boring life.

Of course we all like to sofa surf and binge watch Netflix on occasion, but if that’s the most interesting thing you’ve got going on in your life, you’re probably getting NEXTed. Because just a few swipes away is another guy who is going to prefer a Sunday bike ride to a nearby brewery. And that sounds like a helluva lot more fun than watching your orange Doritos-dusted fingertips bang away at a keyboard playing World of Warcraft all day.

Even if you’re not the most attractive person in your zip code, you still have the power to increase your social value just by appearing so awesome that women can’t ignore you.

When it comes to the physical aspect of online dating, guys have it a little easier than us lafyfolk. At first swipe, most women just want to meet someone FUN and INTERESTING. You don’t have to be a stunner, but you do have to put out the vibe that you’re a high value person.

And if you’re a dude who wants more right swipes:

Look like you give a shit about your physical appearance (fit, well-dressed, hair cut, etc.)

Post a picture that displays your humor or say something witty in your bio

If you’re a family person, post a picture with your family

If you like to travel, post a picture of you somewhere cool

If you’re a musician, post a picture of you playing your instrument

But mostly, if you’re taller than your friends, definitely post a group photo of that. Because ultimately, at first swipe, that’s what most women are looking for on a superficial app like Tinder. It’s the sad, unfortunate truth. But as previously mentioned, you have the power to do something about that.

Of course, if you don’t want to subject yourself to snap judgments made by the women on Tinder, you can always meet them old fashioned way — clubbing them over the head and dragging them back to your cave.

Happy swiping.

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